peace

I never realized the importance of white noise until now. It almost seems as if I always need something to play in the background while I'm working or even sleeping. Someone mentioned how they couldn't sleep without any music and I used to ridicule their being by just saying how it doesn't make sense how anyone would not enjoy silence. Maybe it is college that has made me so addicted to listening to something while working that I can't imagine a world where I don't listen to something type B while I'm working on something that is of importance. Does that mean that I have lost my focus of sense? I am not too sure. I used to be able to do everything such at ease without even having nothing to listen to when listening to something like a podcast or music used to distract me so much when I was doing something that did not even require so much of my attention such as copying something for my school project simply from the internet. Where as, now I require music to math? I do not absolutely understand if it is because I have lost my attention spam or it just makes me transport into a complete different realm from my realty. I often like to listen to music while working on something so that I can think of the song or the things attached to that song to prevent myself from straying into a spiral. This thought has been itching me quiet a bit. My sleep has been affected because there are times when I can't listen to music while doing so.

Whenever I was studying back home, I used to be focused and locked in for a few hours before I took a break to chat with anyone of my family members. Maybe it is that 'relief' from reality that i miss? I am not too sure. What do you call when you start digging into things so astray from your life just to stray from your own thought process? I sed to like how I used to think so deeply about subjects that did not matter so much. I enjoyed that sense of selflessness quite a lot. Now, when I am working I often start thinking of things that might actually matter and I don't want my mind to go into that direction. It is not that those thoughts are insanely deep or they are about things that require so much of my attention but I feel at an unease thinking of the frequency they occur. I need to be my own comic relief and I remember writing this quote, " so many days go by vagabonding which take me by surprise, that I do not remember when did I become the jester of my own life?". This quote was supposed to be a negative connotation of the unseriousness that prevailed me. But now that I think about it, maybe being my own jester was my own relief and that I required to do so in order to have self peace.